The Wish List
An exclusive xcskiworld.com column by Levi Hensel. Find the complete index of columns by this author here
As the unholy shopping orgy that is the holiday season rapidly approaches, each and every one of us will soon find ourselves sucked into the ever-strengthening maelstrom of commercialism and marketing mayhem that presides over December with oligarchic, iron-fisted fury.
Contest, if you will, that it is only November and that you have plenty of time to fulfill your required penance of shopping servitude.
Argue, if you must, that you are quite sure that those shiny new skis, and those frighteningly, disgustingly, unnecessarily overpriced ski waxes will still be behind the counter when it comes time for you to contribute your tithing to the holiday heathens. (In all of this, I understand, quite well, that when it comes down to the wire, really, who wants to shop for others when you can shop for yourself?!)
Beware, however, because if you are not on the ball, your little biosphere of full-priced merchandise-phobic naïveté will soon be breached with utter prejudice and a total disregard for your complacency.
Of course those new skis won’t still be there!
That guy next to you is eyeing them too!!
Of course you need that two hundred dollar vial of glorified baking soda!
Look! Look! He’s reaching to grab it for himself!!
Buy NOW! Buy now for the love of the entire rest of your ski season!
I’m quite sure that this scenario is occurring in ski shops right now, across the nation. It is probably occurring at this very moment, right in your own local shop as you sit here reading this instead of going out and spending money like the good skier you are supposed to be. However, because I am also sure that, like me, you are quite short on readily dispensable cash money dollar bills, I say to you, that it is never too early to get your holiday wish list started. Thusly, I am reminded of my favorite Saturday Night Live Christmas skit. In it, Steve Martin dreamily states that, “This Christmas, I wish that all the little boys and girls of the world can find peace on earth, love, and happiness…and that I can be really really rich.”
I’d have to say that Steve was right on the money, so to speak. So, in the spirit of the season, I submit my own holiday skiing wish list.
Now, I’m fairly confident that were I ever to have the great fortune of falling into a great fortune, I’d donate vast portions of it to the various grass roots, scholastic, collegiate, and club level ski programs I’ve been involved in over time…right after I purchased my Maserati. If I were to fall into a great fortune, I’d also probably be drowning, as Scrooge McDuck is the only man I know who can swim in money safely.
Of course, upon receiving my billions, I’d also immediately corner the world market on, ahem, baking soda, as well.
After that, with the millions left over, I’d wish for (and probably attain, because, as we all well know, money buys everything, including happiness) the following.
1.) My own skiing action figure.
Yes, clearly, the ultimate in self-aggrandizing, self-serving, whole-heartedly narcissistic, frighteningly pompous foolery, yet, also, the stinking coolest thing around. GI Joe-esq, with the Brad Pitt abs I’ve always wanted. Articulated joints, and intensely oversized musculature with interchangeable pom-pom and pom-pom-less hats. Arrives in both summer/fall rollerski model (Euro-style Lycra shorts, road-rash on elbow, skate and classic models (actual ratchets), half-pipe and skate rail included in limited edition “Extreme” model, some assembly required, not responsible for broken poles, grenade launcher sold separately), and winter model (All black ninja race suit, “#1” removable Lycra bib, skate or classic models (mini-klister), wax iron and not-quite to scale vial of baking soda only available in special edition “Wax Tech” model, sponsor-emblazoned Hummer H2 sold separately).
2.) “Zero” weight ski poles with auto-increasing basket size.
If they can invent the “0” weight graphite fly-fishing rod, why the hell can’t they invent “0” weight ski poles? I want poles that feel as angelically ethereal as the lightest meringue when I swing them, yet still maintain their adamantine stiffness when I whack my knees against them in some epic snow-hurricane of a crash. I want poles that have baskets that will change from “icy-hard death skiing” mode, to “floundering quicksand powder skiing” mode at the touch of a button. Is this really too much to ask? If you can invent something as worthless as T-grips, why can’t you invent this?
3.) My own team of trained wax monkeys.
Available at my beckon call, and ready to service my skis with the utmost care and attention, I’d be the envy of the skiing world (overlooking the poop-flinging of course). I’d give them names like Mister Klister (watch out, he gets angry in difficult waxing conditions…has a rather clingy personality), Sir Roto-Brush (quite dangerous really, a bit abrasive, so don’t upset him, and pay attention to where he’s swinging that thing), Ms. Extra-Blue (non-union wax monkey, so she’s willing to work well under most conditions), and Sir Cera (who says you can’t teach a monkey to smoke). The simian skiing semantics of the whole situation are endless…and I’ll have out of control fast skis.
4.) My own clothing line of performance racing wear.
Nothing fits me. I’ve come to this conclusion long ago. Continuing the chimp comments and monkey metaphors (but without as many of the gorilla writing tactics), it has become crystal clear to me that I am shaped like an orangutan. My legs are short, and so is my torso, but my arms hang with such a ghastly pendulum longitude as to make Foucault jealous. Oh! To have ski clothing that fits my disproportionate frame! My (non-existent) kingdom for a race suit that fits! In order to remedy this, I would therefore found my own ski clothing company. The foundation would be laid on taking personal orders, at cut-rate cost, and fabricating stunning creations of mercantile virtuosity while retaining high quality. I shall produce individualized and correctly proportioned apparel and the skiers of the world will follow. Everything offered in a wind-block model. Everything. It is of constant consternation to me, that ski-clothing companies do not cater to the fact that I have exceedingly poor thermo-regulation. I’ll make things warm. I’ll make them in minimal layers. I’ll make them not stink like road kill after the first use.
5.) Ski race podium pursers.
If they can have them at the Tour de France, I will have them at every race I do. I do not care where we are, or what the temperature is. I do not care where in the race I finish. There will always be scantily clad gals (or guys as the case may be) on the podium handing out the awards. They will be models. They will be flown in from Manhattan. You will receive kisses on the cheek, and they will pose with you as you receive your award, and for pictures afterwards. The simultaneous absurdity, hilarity, and total awesomeness will be captured for all eternity to wave in front of your non-skiing friends who fashion you as a big dork. Ha!
So, as this holiday season, as it inevitably must, races towards it’s undeniable apex of shopping terror, take the time to stop thinking of yourself, and to think of the children. This year, as you plead in vain and futility to your friends, relatives, and significant others to either let you buy those gorgeous Nordic wonders (the skis not the models) in the store-front down the street (or to at least loan you the money to buy them), remember that it is the children of the world that really matter.
As December looms near, obtuse and frightening, and decidedly bereft of the cheer for which it is so often lauded, it is the little ones that should find the greatest space in your heart. May they have peace, happiness, and love…
Right after I remote control drive my personal action figure through a shopping mall near you in a tiny Maserati.
Levi Hensel lives in the skier paradise of Bend, OR where he races for XC Oregon/Therapeutic Associates Inc. He is proud to represent Fischer USA in his racing endeavors, and when not training vigorously, or writing absurdly, finds time to help coach, and drink a lot of coffee.
What do you think about this column installment? Log on to xcskiworld.com Forums and throw your two cents into the ring!
