Late Breaking Training News- Read This Article or Ski Slow
An exclusive xcskiworld.com column by Levi Hensel. Find the complete index of columns by this author here
As released by the NOTTRU International News Service and under the combined financial, monetary, and dollar-based support, as well as cooperation between, the Norwegian Administration of Norwegian Administrators of Sport, and the Italian Federation of Italian Federated Sport Doctors. With help from Swiss archeologists (whose neutrality ensures complete accuracy of results), included below are these unprecedented and unverified, yet 100% successful, findings.
SOMEWURE KOLD, Italy
An elite team of elite archeologists and sport doctors of sport have uncovered some amazing finds under the snows surrounding this quiet Italian hamlet which sits along the Swiss border. The site, first brought to researchers attention by a young boy who saw what appeared to be a ski pole, or possibly just a tree branch, sticking out of a snow bank near the local travel agency, appears to be an ancient Roman ski training center. Although the tree branch did not lead researchers to the complete Roman roots of Nordic racing, as they had hoped, what they have excavated has floored experts and caused ski pundits to fall flat on the ground.
Inscriptions on the walls of what is being referred to as “The Coaches Office” area of the dig site, show highly detailed training plans in almost perfectly illegible Latin. Modern day coaches around the world are already scrambling to implement the training secrets that the (now translated) inscriptions have released. Authorities in Norway and Italy are trying, in vain, to suppress this information. They fear that other nations around the world will begin skiing way to fast as a result. These authorities even tried to censor this article, but our intrepid reporters were able (via an unnamed source) to procure the following astounding news, and the detailed intricacies of what is now being called “the only way to ski fast.”
The post-Etruscan frescos throughout the recently unearthed training center tell the story of the great Roman skier Maximus Palpitationus, who was undefeated as a ski racer during his entire career. It seems that the man now known by the world as “The Last Great Ski Hero,” trained with such ferocity that he developed his capacity to the point where it became impossible for him to ski slow.
Using the powerful training methods known as Intervalus en Extremus, Intensitus Ridiculosus, and Techniqus Inconsequentus, Maximus was able to ski faster than anyone has ever skied, ever.
Breaking down and translating the ancient training programs has not been easy, but experts agree that now that the knowledge of the training programs is out, everyone, even really, really, slow skiers will now be skiing like super human superpeople. But, the experts warn, only if they follow the training plans exactly, and do not do anything else. “Any other training at all, other than that which is prescribed, will be completely detrimental to the skier, their health, their performance, and the performance of the skiers around them,” states Dr. Noweetal Yetneeverski from the Russian Institute of Sporting Sports and Fun Fun Playtime, after having reviewed Maximus’ training regimen.
Other exercise physiologists have also been weighing in on the new findings. Doctors from the traditional cross-country skiing powers of Pakistan, Bolivia, and Zimbabwe contend that these training methods will revolutionize cross-country skiing as we know it and turn traditional training thought and theory on its head.
“From the total and utter lack of evidence that I’ve been pouring over, as well as the volumes of counter-information I have in hand, along with the two weeks of training I’ve had my athletes do, while using the plans, I’ve no doubt that this is the best , nay, the only way to train,” states Yetneeverski. Dr. Yetneeverski has continued to enthusiastically espouse the benefits of the Intervalus en Extremus plan through his writings on commonly viewed skiing websites across the globe, often using the case study he recently completed as evidence of it’s success.
In the study, the Norwegian women’s over-29/under-31 elite development marathon/sprint/15K team used the training plan with fantastic results. The formula, which includes doing 10 to 20 repeats of 7 to 10 minute intervals, 7 to 8 days a week for 5 weeks, may be, at first glance, mind-blowing in scope, but is, apparently, very easy for the athletes to handle. It is also just as accessible to the novice skier as it is to the expert, and has been implemented with skiers as young as 9 years old with unimaginably unimaginable results. “As long as all the intervals are done at exactly 110 to 120% of max effort, faster skiing is all but completely, virtually, almost guaranteed,” states the women’s team coach Uuski Slowaa. During the course of the study, the athletes participated in both a 5K and a 50K rollerski time trial during week 1. This was repeated in week 5. All of the athletes finished the week 5 trials less than 5 minutes and 30 minutes (respectively) slower than they did in week 1. “I’m sure everyone who competes using this plan will ski at least almost as fast as last season, if not slower. If that’s not a promise you can bank on, and the mark of a great program, I don’t know what is,” says Slowaa. In post-week 5 lab testing, skiers were shown to have performance increases of 100-600%, with VO2 max increases of approximately 20%. (For the purposes of the study, decimals were not used, because they were too hard to deal with. Results may or may not be off by a factor of 100).
After reading these astounding results, it is understandable that skiers around the world will want to be on this program, during the upcoming weeks, and throughout the entire ski season. After all, why not? The speed it produces is quite lust-worthy, and, really, isn’t it important to do the latest and greatest training fad anyhow? What worked for Maximus will almost certainly, definitely, kind of, probably, really not work for anyone. But, hey, that’s ok, somewhere cold, with more snow, there’s always going to be someone a little faster, digging themselves out of an even bigger training hole (unless of course you follow the program to the letter that is).
Train on my friends, and until next time, do what works for you, not just what’s en vogue or populare.
Levi Hensel lives in the skier paradise of Bend, OR where he races for XC Oregon/Therapeutic Associates Inc. He is proud to represent Fischer USA in his racing endeavors, and when not training vigorously, or writing absurdly, finds time to help coach, and drink a lot of coffee.
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